Leap of Faith

…some of the things worth doing starts with being nervous of terrified. You just gotta take that leap and make it happen. You might be amazed at what you could achieve and how far your jump can take you ONLY if you take the chance.

These words were part of Maine’s first Instagram post for the year 2018. These words struck me and made me realize that steady as my life may seem, I must jump and take that scary leap to see how much I can achieve.

In my almost three decades of existence, more than five years of working in the corporate world, and over 2 years of dedicating a part of myself to fangirling, it seems that my life has not yet achieved its full potential. While some of my friends are having their own family, here I am, partying with other single friends or drinking wine alone. While some colleagues have migrated to different countries to pursue their career goals, here I am, complacent in a job that pays enough to suit my lifestyle yet lack sense of fulfillment. Maybe I’m just really the type of person who likes it steady and afraid of change. Maybe I’m just that happy-go-lucky gal who is content in living her comfortable life. But sometimes, just like tonight, I think about the “what ifs” and “what could have been”. I still don’t know what the future holds and how would I get out of this comfort zone. But I would like to be more open in taking chances, accepting risks, and jumping off the edge. Maine’s words will be my guide in facing this year and the years to come.

As I approach the 30th mark, I will do my very best to live my life to the fullest. I may not know how exactly but I will start by planning ahead, reading more, loving myself more, and doing more than what is expected. I hope that as I look back on this post, my future self will be proud of what I’ve become. Wish me luck! 🙂

Advertisements

Choose HAPPY!

Tonight, I make another big decision. A decision to choose happiness over anything else. I took another leap of faith. After several months of grueling pain, hardships, stress, and everything rolled into one…I finally had the courage to take a risk.

18 months ago, I made a decision to be where I am right now. I made that decision right away, thinking it was the best thing to do. With all the tempting perks that goes along with it, I let myself believe it was a dream come true. But then, not all that glitters is gold. The grass isn’t really greener on the inside of the other side.

So here I am, 18 months later…making another decision. Trying to step back and bring back my old happy self. I’m not saying it’s the right thing to do, but at least it feels right to let go of all the negative vibes I have on a daily basis. I may be wrong. I may regret this day in the future. But at least…no what ifs. I choose not to be miserable, I choose to be happy. 🙂

The Sunday Currently | 04

It’s Sunday once again! Yay for weekend but nay ‘coz tomorrow’s gonna be another manic Monday. Oh well, let’s just enjoy the remaining hours of this steady Sunday. It’s been x Sundays already since I had my Sunday Currently post so might as well do it today while I’m free. HYG!

READING. Still under the Aldub fever, currently enjoying @rjandmengconvos on Twitter. This witty account features fictional write ups based on what could have been Maine & Alden’s future be if and when they end up together in real life. READ: kilig overload for hopia fans.
WRITING. The Sunday Currently. Nothing else for now. I’m still stuck in writing a personal letter for someone.

LISTENING. Kalyeserye replays on the background ‘coz little sister (and me) can’t get enough of it.

THINKING. A lot of things actually going through my mind. The holiday rush, overloaded work, fever and toothache, bills, Aldub fangirling, and so many other things. Well, at least lovelife (or the lack of it) isn’t on the list.

SMELLING. I’ve got colds, my nose is clogged, so I really can’t smell anything. 😦

WISHING. For better health ‘coz I’ve been under the weather for the past week.

HOPING. To finish everything on my plate at work. Haaaaaaays~

WEARING. A navy blue tank top and black cyclig shorts. Pantulog/pambahay feels! Hello?! It’s Sunday! Haha~

LOVING. The Christmas-y weather.

WANTING. Genuine happiness. Still feeling lost at the moment. Hopinng to find the place where I belong. #Hugot

NEEDING. More funds to pay the bills, shop for holiday gifts, and be secured for the future. Funds got low after my HK travel. Tsk. Oh well, at least the experience is priceless. 😉

FEELING. A good mix of happiness and emoment. Still. Nothing has changed.

CLICKING. Twitter. Viber. IG. #AnythingAboutAldub (ultimate fangirl alert!!!)

Okay Lang

In seven days, I’m gonna be 27.  Geez! Now, I’m wondering what happened all those years?! Well, time flies so fast that I wasn’t able to catch up on growing old. There had been a lot of tough times. But there are still good things to be happy and grateful for. Today, I just had a realization on what life has thrown me. In those almost 27 years of existence, I barely had a chance to really examine my life and how I lived it. So now, let me try to write down what I think my life has been.

If someone’s gonna ask me “How’s life?“, I honestly don’t know what to answer. It could have been,

Oh, life is good. I’ve reached my dream to become a CPA and now I work for a prestigious multi-national company. Family’s doing fine. I can go wherever I want, parties and travel here and there. I’m still single and loving the independence. Who needs a boyfriend when you’ve got awesome friends?

But NO! That’s just what the optimistic me would say. That’s just what I want others to know. In reality, I might just say “Okay lang. Okay naman. Ito, buhay at humihinga pa.” And if you’re really concerned on knowing the truth, here’s what’s actually running through my mind when I say “OKAY LANG“:

Pakshet! Hindi ko na alam kung anong meron sa buhay ko. Akala ko pag naging CPA ako okay na lahat. Magandang trabaho, maraming pera, successful sa paningin ng society. Pero hindi e, hindi pala ako masaya. Ang hirap bumangon araw-araw na hindi ko alam kung para saan at para kanino ako bumabangon. Ang hirap magpatuloy sa isang bagay na alam kong hindi na’ko masaya. Hindi ko maiwan kasi kailangan. Meron kasing pamilyang umaasang gaganda ang buhay ko sa tinatahak kong landas. Yung nanay ko kasi abot-tenga ang ngiti pag sinasabi nyang meron syang anak na nagttrabaho sa magandang kumpanya. Yung kapatid ko kasi malayo pa ang tatahakin sa pag-aaral. Yung tatay ko kasi…teka, wala na nga pala akong tatay. *sigh* May choice naman ako e, pero ayaw kong magtake ng risk. Kasi takot ako. Kaya eto, mas pinipili ko nalang ma-stuck sa kung nasaan ako ngayon.

Dahil dyan, pinipilit kong mamuhay sa mundong tila masaya. Party, dine out, travel. Salamat sa mga kaibigan, mas nagiging bearable ang buhay. Nakaka-halakhak ng totoong tawa, nakakangiti ng tunay, sa tulong ng pagkain, kantahan, at alkohol. Pero kahit gaano karami ang kaibigan, wala pa rin yung isang taong magpaparealize na masaya mabuhay dahil may nagmamahal sa’yo. Mag-iisang dekada na nung na-feel ko yung ganung klase ng ligaya. Pero yung ligayang yun, gawa-gawa ko lang din pala. Isang kathang-isip na pinaniwala ko ang sarili ko sa loob ng mahigit kumulang walong taon. Jusko! Sayang lang pala yung iginugol kong emosyon noon. Sana nireserba ko nalang sa paghahanap ng “The One”. Pero okay na rin, I’ve learned things the hard way. Kaya lang hanggang ngayon naghahanap pa rin ako. Tinigil ko na nga e, pero hindi pa rin maiiwasang mapa-isip na tumatakbo ang oras at naiiwan na ako.

So, ayun. Okay lang naman ako. Okay lang talaga. Ngiti lang. Kapit lang.”

See? That “Okay lang” is not what it appears to be. So when someone say it, don’t trust that it’s just a plain answer. Most of the time, we just don’t want the conversation to go on so we just say “Okay lang” even if there’s really some crazy sh*t happening inside you.

(I planned on making this post as positive as I could, in lieu of my 27th birthday countdown. But I just couldn’t. I still have seven days, and I’ll be on a trip in 4 days. So maybe, just maybe, I can post a more positive reflection once I have a breath of fresh air.) 

 

Ang Tamang Panahon: Confessions of a Secret ALDub Fan

It’s Sunday and I’ve got some time to write this afternoon. But I’ll skip the Sunday Currently post ‘coz I wanted to express my feelings towards yesterday’s phenomenal event, Eat Bulaga‘s Sa Tamang Panahon. Yes, for the record, I was there and I’m proud to be part of a record-breaking history! And I think it’s the tamang panahon for me to share my REAL sentiment about this phenomenon.

Secretly Fangirling and Dealing with Bashers

I’ve been a fangirl once (READ: Sugarfee posts circa 2008-9), but I’ve never been a fangirl of a local loveteam, or any loveteam for that matter. But this AlDub phenomenon hit me hard. Coming from a grieving period after my father’s passing last August, it had been my distraction and inspiration to move on and get by through each day. I gradually saw myself looking forward to tomorrow with a smile on my face. I found a reason to be happy despite all the stress around me. I felt kilig after every episode that I secretly download it before going home from office and replayed every night after work. I found myself following/reading/watching every social media post related to Maine, Alden, and the Kalyeserye. I even created an alternate Twitter account to follow Aldub related accounts and voice out my AlDub opinions and bursts of emotions…secretly.

So I’ve been somehow keeping this fangirling a secret for weeks (or months?) now. Mainly because I’m afraid of being judged and bashed by some “intellectual” people who considers this phenomenon a mababaw thing. Oh c’mon, let’s admit it…we all know someone from our circles who knows about it, somehow gets kilig about it, but still believes it’s nonsense and irrelevant. I’ve been keeping up with this since the day I started to get hooked with KS. I wasn’t proud then, of being a fan of AlDub and religiously following them on social media. But then after yesterday, I realized I’ve got nothing to be shy about. I ain’t hurting somebody else, I’m just making myself happy. So why should I care about what they think? I was afraid of being judged as a low-class fantard but then I realized, me being an avid fan of this local loveteam doesn’t make me any less of a person. I’m still the tax accountant who delivers her job every day. I’m still the person who knows her priorities in life and knows the “relevant national issues” we’re currently facing. As I’ve read from some article, “I don’t think enjoying AlDub implies that you are any less smart… Happiness has little to do with intelligence.”  True enough, I guess.

Never Underestimate the Power of ALDUB Nation

Seeing people from all walks of life yesterday at the PH Arena, I was more convinced that I should not be ashamed of this experience. I saw the typical teenage barkadas, families from little kids to lolos and lolas, decent looking men wearing shirts saying “AlDub Lawyer”, TV and advertising executives on the VIP section yet being fans themselves, and of course, the die-hard fans complete with AlDub shirts, posters, and tarpaulins. People were forced to walk almost a kilometer long and fall in line to get in. There was no argument or commotion that was expected of a typical masa crowd. I even heard someone say, “Walang mayaman, mahirap dito. Lahat tayo pipila.” One thing to be proud of about this crowd is that we (yes, me included) were disciplined and organized in queuing for almost an hour outside under the scorching heat of the sun until we had our turn to pass through rigorous inspection (which we also strictly followed what’s not allowed to bring) and get inside the arena. It was physically tiring, but not a single person in line complained about it. That’s when I proved that AlDub Nation is not just a bunch of Twitter addicts that only cares about millions of tweets to trend but a group of civilized, mannered individuals who share a common love not only for Maine and Alden, but also for EB Dabarkads and their cause (READ: AlDub Library Project, Plastic ni Juan, Bayanihan). I am not actively a part of this fandom, I may not join their activities (which by the way includes outreach programs and fund raisings), but I would like to consider myself a part of this FANmily.

The ALDUB EFFECT

And so the show starts. I won’t elaborate more on this ‘coz there’s so many videos and news articles about it. I would like to focus on the highlight of the event, the Tamang Panahon for Maine and Alden to finally be with each other. Of course, what do we expect but to feel that intense kilig all over again. They really never fail to make us happy. We even wish that this could be real, we put meanings to every gesture they do on TV. Even the smallest details, their shoes, the colors of their outfits, their tweets, and even posts from years ago have meanings that connotes destiny and coincidence. Hopia, ika nga. We fantasize of Maine and Alden ending up together in real life. They’re like our future Marian and Dingdong. But still, at the end of the day, its their feelings as Nicomaine and Richard, not ours. We are not in the right position to make their own love story. As the cliche goes, “What’s bound to happen will always find its way.” As long as they give me good vibes and unending kilig moments, I’m happy with it. And I’m happy for them individually. I may not know them personally but I believe they are both good people that deserve all these blessings. I’m proud of what and who they’ve become, especially Maine being the ordinary girl she used to be. See, I’m that big of a fan?! Secretly, though. 😉

And yesterday, they surprised the audience with their first holding hands, first hug, and first dance. Pakshet! Ang lakas maka-fairy tale. So eto na naman tayo, sasabihin na namang kaya tayo nahuhumaling kasi relatable, mababaw, typical Cinderella story, ganon?! OO, it’s the typical Cinderella love story with an ordinary girl ending up with Prince Charming. I won’t explain much about a fan’s feelings regarding this matter, kasi hindi rin naman maniniwala yung mga non-fans and bashers. Basta all I know is that I’m over-the-top happy about this experience. Those eye-to-eye contacts, the holding hands, the tight hugs, Alden’s never-ending akbay and kapit to Maine as if saying “Hey, she’s mine!”, that God Gave Me You moment and exchange of messages, that first waltz without any split screens and barriers, Maine’s galawang breezy and indirect kisses, OMG kinikilig pa rin ako while writing it down. Magical moments indeed! It’s like when fairy tale traversed reality. Yiiiieeee~

Good vibes, good vibes…nothing but good vibes. That’s what it is to me and to thousand other secret and all-out fans. It feeds the soul with happiness that sometimes cannot be achieved with our own boring lives. Me personally, having no love life since the beginning of time and being stressed out by life’s b***sh*t, finds an escape through this phenomenon. I know there will come time that this too shall pass, when our afternoons would be quiet, Thursdays would mean nothing, and Saturdays would go back to the usual hangout-with-friends-if-we-have-time. Seems like I’ve invested more than I should have in this fangirling. The thought of it ending breaks my heart just like a love that didn’t last. So I’ll just choose to live in the moment and feel all the kilig and happiness it brings me these days. Even if this phenomenon ends one day, I’ll forever keep the feeling that I have. I’ll forever cherish the days I got so kilig from Aldub. I’ll forever be happy about choosing to be a fan and dedicate a part of my life for it. Dahil dito, I believed in FOREVER again.

I won’t care about what they say or think about me, as long as I’m happy and enjoying this. Wala na nga akong lovelife kaya ito nalang, pagbigyan nyo na. Haha. Ganun naman pag inlove ka diba? Wala kang pakialam kahit ano pang sabihin nila…basta masaya ka. Kahit minsan alam mo namang masasaktan ka lang din sa huli. HUGOT! 

So to my non-fan friends who might be reading this fangirl post (though I know no one is reading this blog, haha), let’s just have mutual respect for every one’s opinions and preferences. To each his own. Love it or hate it. I am an Aldub fan and I’m proud of it. 🙂

An Unsent Letter

I don’t wanna wait in vain for your love. Am I really waiting for something from you?! I don’t think so. You don’t even know how I feel towards you…how much I love you more than just a friend. I’ve given you tons of hints, but still you don’t seem to bother. Are you just playing safe or you’re really so insensitive not to feel it?! Maybe it’s just me…It’s just me who take things this way. Often times, I misinterpret a simple act of kindness from you. I make myself believe that how you treat me nicely is something more than the usual, although for you it’s nothing. I’m such a fool to let myself fall for you this way. For me, you are a friend I’ve learned to love…a love so real I kept inside ’til it hurts. I’ve never been in love like this. In fact, I’ve never been even in love before. But now I know how it feels…it just so happened that you cannot love me back. What a nightmare it is to love and not to be loved. I’m on a one-way street trying to pass by on my own. And now I feel like giving up. This road seems to be an endless agony. I can’t find my way out…I think I’m stuck at the thought of loving you even though it hurts. I am a friend to you and I know that’s just how it will be. We share some chit chats and bonding moment together with some other friends…everything is just like that. I must admit those moments brought happiness to me. But at the end of the day, I should remind myself that it meant nothing. I don’t really know if you have any idea of how I feel…but I hope you do even just a little. I have no idea if my actions speak for myself and I don’t know if my gestures convey my message to you. All I know is that we’re fine as friends. No one would ever suspect that I’m keeping this feeling for you, even our friends, even you. It’s only me who knows what’s going on…maybe a friend or two. But then, even if you realize that it’s you who I’m talking to, just let me know and be true. Do not worry and think that you may hurt me for what you feel, do not keep silent and let things get worse. For the damage is done and it’s all my fault. I wrote this not to blame you or what…I just felt the urge of writing how I feel tonight because of you. I’m sorry if I made you feel uneasy or uncomfortable. I’m sorry for letting myself fall for you. I’m sorry for loving that kind friend inside you. You may never love me; you may even hate me and get out of my sight…but one thing is for sure, the friendship we have is well-appreciated and will always be there. That maybe the sole reason why I can’t fight how I feel. I love you and I always will…but only on my own! 😦

-An Unsent Letter (06.28.08 11:00pm)

So I guess this is really the end of it. I can finally declare my independence from an old feeling. Why? ‘Coz Muntik na Kitang Minahal and The Art of Letting Go was playing on the background while I was typing the letter above from a worn-out blue paper BUT I’ve got no feels anymore. No more crying, no more regrets. I guess I’m indifferent now, something that I learned to master for 7 long years. Oh well, congrats self! Get ready for a new love and heartbreak…erm…should I say, adventure!

The Sunday Currently | 03

Gaaaah…I missed two Sundays already, but today I luckily find time to write again. Thanks to the windy and rainy day that prevented me to go somewhere else.

READING. So I stumbled upon my old planners/journal this gloomy afternoon and I’ve decided to reminisce and re-read what my younger self had to say years ago. So much emo stuffs for an emo-ish afternoon. Again, blame it on the rain. Haha.

WRITING. The Sunday Currently. And I plan to re-write an unsent letter which I found on a blue paper inside my planner. The paper’s kinda worn out (and so is the feeling I had writing it back then) but I wanted to preserve it so I’ll probably post it as a separate entry tagging it as “a literary piece” instead of a personal thing.

LISTENING. Spotify’s #Hugot playlist. What else can a masochist like me listen to on this gloomy day? Nothing but Coldplay, The Script, Adele, and other suicidal songs about heartbreak and moving on.

THINKING. I’m wondering how will tomorrow’s weather be like. Will it be back-to-work/manic Monday or an extended weekend?

SMELLING. The aroma of 3-in-1 Creamy White Coffee. Bed weather equates to sipping a good cup of coffee. Well, aside from hiding beneath the sheets, of course.

WISHING. For a good week ahead. I’ve got sunshine in my soul since yesterday so I’m in a pretty good mood to start the week.

HOPING. That the typhoon will go away sooner with less casualties for our affected neighboring areas.

WEARING. An over-sized black shirt and rainbow striped shorts. Can we just skip this part? Haha.

LOVING. The bed weather feels.

WANTING. For Saturday to come. 10/24/15 is #TamangPanahon okay? *fangirl alert*

NEEDING. Can’t ask for anything right now. I feel so blessed at the moment. 🙂

FEELING. A good mix of happiness and emoment. Bipolar? Hala.

CLICKING. Random sh*t on Facebook

Still got a good few hours for today, make the most out of it! 😀